I use to believe that I wasn’t capable of fulfilling the purpose that God had given me. That I messed up too many times and was never going to get it right. Now this mindset was tricky because I was so convinced that I had faith in God, just not myself. I kept telling God and myself that I trusted Him and believed in Him but didn’t have those same feelings towards myself. Well my friends, God made it very clear that didn’t make any sense lol. That doubting myself was synonyms with doubting God. He made the clear to me through His word, through the story of Jonah and the Wale.
Ok let me start this story by saying moving to NYC has been a dream of mine since I was very little and in Oct. 2015 I was finally here. Man oh man is that where the rollercoaster began. If you read my past blog post, you already know about my hardship at my first job and with my first ny boyfriend. Let’s just jump to the beginning of this year.
So I was going through it. My blog that I loved wasn’t getting the love that I wanted and I was working (still working) at a job that didn’t fulfill me. I felt stuck. I was confused because I felt like I had did everything God wanted but I wasn’t reaping any of it. With that, I subconsciously gave up. New York was kicking my butt, my job was getting on my nerves, I couldn’t keep money in my pockets, my dating life sucked, and my future wasn’t clear. I continuously told God I didn’t understand why He had me here or why kept giving me chances that I would mess up. I believed that I was pointless to the world because all I did was make mistake after mistake. That I contributed nothing to this world. This, what I now understand was depression, made me run away from God. I felt like He wanted something from me I wasn’t capable of doing. I didn’t think that I was strong enough so I ran.
At the same time I began to have health problems. In January I was diagnosed with hypertension. I just thought it was due to stress so I started on my prescribed pills and kept it moving. Then I started to notice lumps all over my body. I told my doctor and she began to investigate. She sent me to doctor after doctor. Before we could find out what was happening, one night I had to go to the ER because I couldn’t breathe. There was fluid around my heart and my blood pressure was at stroke levels. After a week in the CCU and many biopsies, the doctors discovered I had a rare disease called Castleman’s Disease. Y’all this just put me over the roof. I was like “nope i’m leaving nyc”. I was convinced NYC was trying to kill me lol. I was like “nothing good has come of this place so why am I here”. I was ret to go y’all.
I was in and out of the hospital for a month. The doctors were doing test and told me that the disease had a chance of being cancerous. Told me that if I didn’t come to the hospital at the time I did, it couldn’t of been fatal. I was hearing all of this but for some reason I was very calm. Although I had got so depressed that I no longer wanted to be in this world, I knew it wasn’t my time to die and I was right. All the test for cancer came back negative. On top of that, the apartment I wanted had became available. All of this was telling me that I wasn’t done with New York. Most of all this experience showed me the goodness of God and that I had purpose in this world.
Ok so this looooong story brings me to why this story is call Yolande and the Whale. We all somewhat know the story of Jonah and the Whale. I say somewhat because I feel like we all know the short version. Jonah gets swallowed by whale, asks God to save him, God saves him. But man oh man is there power in know the whole story. The story is told in the book of Jonah but let me just given you a more detailed short version lol.
God told Jonah He wanted him to go to a town and save it through his preachings. Jonah was like “naw” and he ran. First he paid some fishermen to take him to another town. As they were out to sea strong wind and a bad storm started. The fisherman looked at Jonah and was like “bro what did you do to God?” Jonah confessed that he was running away from God and told the fishermen to through Him in the sea. Once throw in the sea Jonah was swallowed by a whale. After spending three days and three night in the whale’s belly, Jonah called to God for help.
So I lied about making this short because you have to see this in text. This is what Jonah said while in the belly of the whale:
1 From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the LORD his God. 2 He said: “In my distress I called to the LORD, and he answered me. From deep in the realm of the dead I called for help, and you listened to my cry. 3 You hurled me into the depths, into the very heart of the seas, and the currents swirled about me; all your waves and breakers swept over me.4 I said, ‘I have been banished from your sight; yet I will look again toward your holy temple.’ 5 The engulfing waters threatened me,the deep surrounded me; seaweed was wrapped around my head. 6 To the roots of the mountains I sank down; the earth beneath barred me in forever. But you, LORD my God, brought my life up from the pit. 7 “When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, LORD, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple. 8 “Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God’s love for them. 9 But I, with shouts of grateful praise, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. I will say, ‘Salvation comes from the LORD.’ ” 10 And the LORD commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land.
Basically this is exactly my story. Just like Jonah, God told me He wanted me to do something purposeful in this world. And just like Jonah, I was intimidated by God’s faith in me so I ran. The thing about God is He will always finish what He started. God had a plan for Jonah and I and He was going to make sure it happened. I truly believe the hospital was my whale and God came and got me once I called out His name just like Jonah. Showing me He wasn’t done with me. That He loved me so much and believed in me.
Y’all there’s nothing like His love, His grace, His mercy and I pray that this story reminds you of that.
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